The way you feel is up to you

When I was 11 I got into a single-sex private secondary school. Up until then I’d been a happy child, smiling, outgoing, talkative, hard-working.

At secondary school I tried to do the same, but for some reason, people didn’t like me as much. I made friends, but not as many. I threw myself more into my work, as has always been my way when things aren’t so good.

By 14 I was a geek. Shunned by the cool kids, I hung around with a bunch of unsporty, glasses wearing guys. I wasn’t happy particularly. I didn’t understand why I was unliked by so many.

I managed to get assimilated into a different group of friends at 15. They were welcoming to me, they liked who I was, well enough. I grew as a person and got more of a sense of humour. We met girls.

About then I become much more outgoing, and I felt better and better all the time. I loved talking to people, meeting people, going out and partying!

When I got to university, in the first year I made a reputation for myself as the same. I met a lot of people, a lot of people knew me. Deep down I still felt like a geek, I didn’t hang around with the cool kids. Although I wanted to. I had a lot of fun, I was never lonely, or unhappy.

In the second year I got together with Steph. Having courted her on and off for a year, I was filled with happiness. We had a wonderful year together, the best of my life and hers (I think). We both clung together to the exclusion of everyone else. We rejected our house mates and came to resent them. I lost a great friend because I never went to spend any time with him. Several great friends really.

I stopped bothering to be extroverted, or outgoing.

In the third year I spent a year in industry. Steph was still at Uni, so she joined back up with the theatre back-stage crew and occupied her time. I was in the middle of a rank part of London, I made some new friends but didn’t have too many options. The long, and after a few months, boring work days tired and demotivated me. I lost all interest in Chemistry. I started developing Filelight and got into Open Source.

I dedicated myself to my work, to the exclusion of all else.

By the time I got back to Uni for year 4, I’d become actively involved with Amarok. I sometimes spent 20 hours a day on it. I skived Chemistry lessons. All my old friends at Uni had left, I made some new ones, but I wasn’t the same as I had been in the first year. I had Amarok, and that was enough for me. Steph got a job she hated that was an hour commute each way. We weren’t happy, but we loved each other. Steph joined a reenactment society. Something I admire about her is that she always knows what to do. She knew she needed people, she found a way.

After Uni finished, I moved home and stuck with Amarok. More and more so. Up until the release of 1.2 I ignored everything else. Steph was at home with her parents, we were both unemployed and trying to figure out what to do next. We loved each other, we didn’t want to be apart, but it was easiest.

My parents kicked me out eventually. They didn’t understand that my year in industry had totally put me off paid work. Amarok was wonderful. A project with meaning, direction. We were a trio of talented creative people, rolling off each other, creating a fantastic innovative product. Nobody much knew of Amarok at that point, but we all knew that it wouldn’t be long until it became something special. The feel of it was in the air.

I worked for Steph’s dad for a bit, which wasn’t great either. I’ve discovered since then I don’t like implementing other people’s ideas. It was good to live with Steph again.

We moved to Aldershot, Steph had a fun job. She was ever more involved with Regia, the reenacters. Someone bought me World of Warcraft. I dedicated myself to that to the exclusion of all else. It was satisfying in an immediate way, a way life is rarely. I regret the 6 wasted months I spent in the virtual world. I loved the feel of the game, sometimes you really felt like an elf, surrounded by life and trees as tall as skyscrapers, wind chimes softly beating in a virtual breeze. Steph went away to reenact most weekends. Why didn’t I go with her? Why did I reject a real life?

We moved to Sudbury. I had started working for my parents, mostly because I felt I should. I owed them something. I needed money. I felt stupid having no job still. I began to work one week at home with Steph, one in Milton Keynes with the business. Me and Steph drifted apart a little. I didn’t miss her that much when I was in Milton Keynes. There were people there, I became more social again, I had fun.

Anyway I didn’t really mean for this to become a tale of my life.

I was unhappy, I didn’t realise it really. The way you feel is up to you. Meet people, socialise, it will make you happier. Even if you don’t feel like smiling, do it anyway, it will cheer you. It’ll make other people feel more comfortable in your presence. When other people are happy with you, and you’re happy too, the conversation will flow and life will feel good.

I look back and realise I lost that a few times, I didn’t really realise it. I have a habit of throwing myself into things with everything I have and forgetting that you can’t just block out people.

As the economist Richard Layard puts it in Happiness, Lessons From A New Science:

People who care about other people are on average happier than those who are more preoccupied with themselves.

And finally, acting chirpy makes you happy. You can force yourself to be motivated, cheerful, maintain a stiff upper lip, and you will feel better because of it.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 13th, 2006 at 10:45 and is filed under Life. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.