“Mummy! We spent 3 hours recording this track 50 years ago, we’ve made 500 million pounds out of it, I’m about to buy my 12th home, don’t let them take away my royalties mummy!”

whined Cliff Richard when it elapsed that copyright on his genre-defining album “The little piggy went to market” will expire soon.

When it expires, anyone has the right to sell his music.

We asked average Joe, Bob-teh-Builder, what he thought.

“What, you mean I could still be charging for houses I built 50 years ago?”

We pointed out that musicians are special people, they can demand you pay them for work they did up to 75 years ago. And the Government thinks this is right and decent and honorable.

“What? I wish I could do a week’s work and live off it for the rest of my life!”

Quite Bob. Quite.

A shock study by National Geographic magazine has found 1 in 5 British children between the ages of 6 and 14 cannot locate the UK on a map of the world.

“12% of them had the map up the wrong way round!”, claimed the Janitor at the study center.

Apparently most of the children started by looking for their local bus stop, Tescos, or general “chaving ground”. One child placed England near Australia because “A shop near where I live has that picture on its sign”, referring to the local Walkabout pub. Another pointed out India, reasoning that his Dad cooked curry every night so England can’t be that far away.

When asked which country was left of Iran, the man from National Geographic looked perplexed. “What do you mean left, do you mean East? What kind of question is that?”

80% of the children in the study thought that Wales was hunted for its meat by the Japanese, when prompted by a leading question. Jessop Jessopson voiced concern about this, “Clearly British children believe whatever you tell them! We must take action to rectify this dangerous amount of trust before it is too late!”

Some guy sitting next to me on the bus felt obliged to voice his opinion. “But, they’re only kids!” He exclaimed, “since when do kids need to know more about geography than which bus takes them home, or where Billy lives?”

“Is it not worse that the BBC thinks that the difference in ability between girls and boys of 63% and 65% is statistically significant when they never even asked for the error rates? Or that you sir are just rewording the article from the BBC without making any effort whatsoever to find the original report?”

At this point the conversation became a serious of parried insults on the topic of our mothers. Maybe my friend and I should have attended schools that taught less about Geography and more about how to treat your fellow man?